6 simple ways for brothas to avoid Tristan Thompson’s rookie cheating mistakes
The succubi of the Kardashian klan aren’t exactly favorites among the semi-woke Black contingent for a number of reasons. But if there’s one thing that engenders less sympathy than a Kardashian, it’s a trifling-ass, no-good Basset Hound of a dude who cheats on his girl while she has his bun in the oven. Ask Tristan Thompson.
The Cleveland Cavaliers power forward, known professionally “Pass the Ball to LeBron,” is catching all nine circles of Hell for allegedly cheating on girlfriend Khloe Kardashian multiple times while she was pregnant. TMZ dropped the footage – one of Thompson canoodling with some chicks in the VIP of a club, another of him entering a hotel room with a woman – this past weekend. Maybe they were off to play a rousing game of pinochle?
(TMZ is the Feds, man. They’re probably responsible for countless alimony checks and more than a handful of suicide considerations, but I digress.)
Revelation of the infidelity led social media users of all walks of life to band together on some United Colors of Benetton shit to drag Thompson, while I’m sure the producers of the I-can’-t-believe-it’s-still-a-thing E! show Keeping Up With the Kardashians are rubbing their hands at the whole thing, Birdman-style.
Michael Blackson clowns Tristan Thompson for cheating on Khloe 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/A8OK7Z1p3E
— DJ Akademiks (@IamAkademiks) April 12, 2018
Went to look at Tristan Thompson’s Instagram and found the best thread pic.twitter.com/Wx5cfZu5F3
— Paris Rose Weldy (@ParisWeldy) April 13, 2018
#Cavs fans booed Tristan Thompson when he was shown on screen. He wasn’t announced coming off the bench by the PA announcer, either.
— Spencer Davies (@SpinDavies) April 12, 2018
The news dropped two days before Kardashian actually gave birth to their daughter on Thursday; apparently she has forgiven Thompson, which is the equivalent of a just-married couple forgetting about all the problems they have with each other; the moment the shine of O.J. Simpson’s new granddaughter wears off, Thompson will have to answer for his bullshit.
Making matters worse for his image, apparently this isn’t Thompson’s first foray into n—adom as it relates to baby mothers. Supposedly, he left his first baby-mother Jordan Craig while she was still pregnant to get with Kardashian. That he also stepped out on a very pregnant Kardashian earned him the awesomely alliterative title Tristan “Third Trimester” Thompson.
I’m neither a rich man nor a cheater, but I can tell you six ways how Thompson shat the bed on this whole thing:
Don’t be an NBA cliché
Look, everyone expects NBA dudes to NBA-dude at some point, and motorboating some Sorta Rican-looking dames in a club while your girl is three months pregnant totally hits the cliché checklist. If you’re entering the League in the 21st century, learn from the errors of your forebears and aim higher, Willis.
Keep those annoying-ass pregnancy pictures off the internet
I’m not sure if Thompson had any say in the matter considering he be-seeded a member of the most media-savvy family of the 21st century (probably not if Kris had any say in the matter). But if I’m dipping my peen in some strange, I’m going out of my way to keep ridiculous, over-produced photos like the one below, the hell off of social media. It kinda takes the magic away knowing that Thompson’s looking out that window thinking, “Wait, did I tell Sparkle to come through at 10 or 11 p.m.?!?”
Do your dirt on the low
It always blows my mind when rich people get caught on cameras doing dumb shit that threatens both their bag and their public image. If you have the bread (and don’t have Malia Obama’s friends), you have the means to maneuver in silence. Smart dudes who do dirt don’t wind up on TMZ being plum dumb. And while we’re on that topic…
Choose a better side piece
As long as rich male athletes exist, there will be some gorgeous InstaModel hanging out in the wings looking to break out of Flat Tummy Tea-shilling monotony. A woman named Stephanie has claimed she was with Thompson just this past weekend and she followed up with explicit DMs and an alleged sex tape that she said is all between her and Thompson. She even claimed to be pregnant, but did not say who the daddy is. God knows I understand how stupid a big ass and a smile makes a man, but if you have to cheat, find the woman who is not willing to embarrass herself and her whole goddamn family for her 15 minutes.
Be better at what you do
You can’t be an aight NBA player and expect to weather this kind of scandal with no problems. You think LeBron would’ve gotten that response if he got caught out in these streets with a dame? Folks would be like, “Man, why did that foul temptress back up against his bare junk like that in the hotel room while he’s clearly trying to win another ring and be great?”
Don’t date a Kardashian
This shit should be gospel for more reasons than I have room to type. It astounds me that I still have to tell dudes to keep away from The House that Ray J Built, but the whole damn family is like the Sunken Place for possessors of Black male celebrity collections. If you’re Black and you step out with a Kardashian in 2018, that’s your dumb-ass problem, fam. Everything you think about is gonna crumble!
Dustin J. Seibert is a native Detroiter living in Chicago. Miraculously, people have paid him to be aggressively light-skinned via a computer keyboard for nearly two decades. He loves his own mama slightly more than he loves music and exercises every day only so his French fry intake doesn’t catch up to him. Find him at his own site, wafflecolored.com.